An Open Letter to The Guy In Sub Who Said He Liked My Shirt
Dear TGISWSHLMS,
Thanks man! I actually got this shirt from my brother. I’m guessing you said you liked it because you were sitting at the Undergraduate Physics Society booth, and because my shirt contains a math reference (Don’t Drink and Derive! Hilarious, I know).
I just wanted to say that I really appreciated the compliment, and that I think you’re a sexy bitch. However, you’re a physicist and I’m an engineer. Our relationship would cross many, many barriers. Let’s face it, being queer, I’m going to get enough stares as it is. My parents are very understanding. I’ve brought home boys, they’ve been great about it. But if I brought home a PHYSICIST to meet them? It would break my poor mother’s heart!
So, TGISWSHLMS, if we are to be together (as you obviously wish we were), I’m going to need some evidence that this is going to work out. I’m happy to challenge my family’s prejudices, but it would look silly if I got in a fight with my parents over someone who it didn’t really work out with. As a result, I’m imposing the following rules upon our budding relationship.
1) You are not, under any circumstances, to become clingy. I can’t STAND clingy guys. As of right now, you haven’t even really asked for my name, so you’re doing a good job so far. I just wanted to make sure you knew that you’re on the right track with the whole distance thing.
2) You have to be out to your folks. I’m sorry, but closet cases? I’m too fabulous for that shit.
3) As a physicist, you are required to laugh at all my nerdy jokes, whether they are funny or not. It’s what sets us apart from animals and Arts majors. I, obviously, will do the same for any math/physics/chemistry jokes you happen to bust out.
4) No socks and sandals. Ever.
5) What are your research interests? All I’m saying is, if its Astro, I think we should see other people. I like my men a little more grounded than that.
6) If you didn’t laugh at #5, see #3. This was a test. Did you pass?
7) Last, but certainly not least: we should probably have sex really soon. By “certainly not least”, I actually mean “This is probably the most important item on the list.”
Yours Forever and Always*,
Neil
* Or until you break one of these rules. Or fuck my brother.
